I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
