you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
