Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
