You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
