I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
