I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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