I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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