I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
