Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
