Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
