It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
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Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
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Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
A bitchslap is in order.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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