I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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