guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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