dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
