She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Randomize
