You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
