You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
