he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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