just come out here and I will go home with you...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
