Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
What drink are we having for lunch?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
