her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
