Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
