Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
