You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
