I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
