I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
