You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
