remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
