I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
