Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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