i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
