Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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