I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
