i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
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I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
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We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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