I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
