too bad you live with your parents still
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
