she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I think I just sharted jello shots
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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