i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
