im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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