so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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