I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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