I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
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