We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
you inspire me to be a worse person
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
you're hired as official boob wrangler
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Randomize
