Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
