I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
