I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
