i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
