so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
