Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
