Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
