i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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