I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
