p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
