My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
