So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
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He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
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She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize