my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
