see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
