Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
