Jerry, you need to find god
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Randomize
