If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
